Can you control who you are attracted to?

Not completely—but you can influence your attraction to some degree. Attraction is a mix of biology, psychology, and experience, so while your brain has automatic responses, your choices, mindset, and environment play a role in shaping it. Here’s how it works:

1. Biological Factors You Can’t Fully Control

  • Physical appearance and pheromones: Your brain naturally responds to visual cues and subconscious chemical signals.

  • Neurochemistry: Dopamine, oxytocin, and other “love chemicals” fire automatically when you encounter someone stimulating.

  • Evolutionary drives: Certain traits (health, symmetry, strength) trigger attraction instinctively.

These are largely automatic—you can’t consciously “turn them off.”

2. Psychological and Social Influences You Can Control

  • Values and priorities: You can decide what traits matter to you in a partner (e.g., kindness, humor, shared goals).

  • Mindset and intention: Focusing on compatibility over superficial traits can shift what you find attractive.

  • Cognitive reframing: If someone isn’t right for you, consciously reminding yourself of incompatibilities can reduce unwanted attraction.

3. Behavior and Environment

  • Exposure matters: Spending less time with someone you’re drawn to naturally weakens attraction over time.

  • Social context: Being around supportive friends or engaging in new environments can redirect focus.

  • Personal growth: Pursuing hobbies, goals, and new experiences can make you more discerning and selective in what you’re attracted to.

4. Emotional Regulation

  • Mindfulness: Observing your attraction without judgment reduces obsessive thinking.

  • Deliberate distancing: Limiting emotional or physical intimacy with someone can help reset your feelings.

  • Therapy or coaching: Professional guidance can help you understand your attraction patterns and make conscious choices.

Bottom Line

You cannot fully control who your brain finds attractive, because biology plays a major role. But you can influence your responses, focus on compatibility, and manage behaviors to make attraction more aligned with your values and long-term goals.

Back to blog